..
Wednesday,
January 2, 2008
Not that I needed any more problems, but the TV crew – one guy holding a camera
and another with a boom microphone and a blue vinyl duffel bag full of
equipment slung over a broad shoulder - was waiting outside the back door of
the restaurant as I arrived for work today.
“You’ll get some good video today, boys,” I said as I greeted them. “Antoine
and DeVille will be back from the market soon” (note to our loyal readers: the
market was closed on Tuesday due to New Year’s) “and you’ll get some good shots
of them unloading meat and produce.”
The camera guy and the microphone guy looked at each other. “I don’t think
that’s what Suzanna’s looking for exactly,” said Camera Guy.
I laughed. “This is a restaurant. That’s what we do. What else would she be
looking for?”
I was about to find out, as a white Hummer limo pulled into view.
- H. Dorian Straight, maitre d'
Thursday January 3rd 2008
I walked into the kitchen yesterday morning with an armload of raw pork headed
for our freezer and this guy was sitting casually on the counter smoking a
cigarette. I nodded to him as I went by, 'cause he looked familiar. Two steps
further and it registered on my brain.
"JOHNNY
DEPP is sitting in my kitchen!!"
I turned back and looked at him. He stared calmly back, smoke curling from his
nostrils.
"Hi," I said.
"Hi," he replied.
Jesus Christ.
- James DeVille - Sous Chef
Friday, January 4, 2008
A few days ago, before the reality television shoot got underway, Suzanna
Cartwright and I grabbed a cup of coffee at the Stubb & Flask. Judging from
the glare being shot Suzanna’s way by my
favorite barista, Clare, while she pulled me a shot of espresso, I could tell
she was none too excited about serving the strident Suzanna. Word of Suzanna’s
abhorrent behavior must be leaking out all over the neighborhood.
On the short walk back to Chez BBQ, Suzanna described what she planned on accomplishing
at Chez BBQ. I informed Suzanna that what I planned on accomplishing was to
prepare and serve lunch and dinner to our customers. Suzanna laughed at that,
and told me that the restaurant was essentially hers now, and that the reality
TV show she is filming at Chez BBQ is the main reason for us being open.
Spurred on by my cup of espresso, I fervently began to argue with Suzanna, but
by that time we were in front of the restaurant and confronted by a pair of
picketers.
“Dan and Hallie,” said Suzanna. “How nice to see you again,” she said icily.
“How long has it been? Two years? What show were you working on then? Something
on the UPN that has been long cancelled?”
“It wasn’t the UPN,” replied Hallie, contempt dripping from her voice. “It was
Spike TV.”
“Oh, yes. I knew it was one of those obscure channels that has disappeared
forever. Now, if you’ll excuse us …”
Dan stood between Suzanna and the front door of Chez BBQ, blocking her way. He
was menacingly holding a picket sign on which was imprinted the word “SCABS” in
large block letters.
“Scab, scab,
scab!!” he yelled at Suzanna. “You enter this restaurant to film this TV
series, Suzanna, and we’ll make sure you never work in Hollywood again!”
“Dan, Hallie,” responded Suzanna, “this is a REALITY based television show, not
a scripted one. It’s not covered by the Writers Guild contract,” she said as
she pushed Dan aside and entered the restaurant.
I followed her in, but paused at the door to address Dan and Hallie. “Hey, if
business picks up here and you need jobs, give me a call.”
- H. Dorian Straight, maitre d'
Saturday the 5th of January, 2008
Jesus.
I've found out a lot over the last couple of days. First of all, Johnny Depp is
a very very friendly, kind and generous man who is thrilled to be in our
kitchen. Secondly, Suzanna Cartwright's take on this reality show is to have
various celebrities work for a week in place of one of us. In this case, she is
having Johnny Depp take over for Chef. Thirdly, Johnny Depp doesn't have the
faintest idea how to cook.
In addition,
Ms. Cartwright expects us to keep Mr. Depp's presence here a secret because she
doesn't want to do a show about a huge celebrity being mobbed by fans. She
wants to do a show about a huge celebrity being stressed out at having to spend
a week cooking BBQ. Subsequently security at the restaurant has suddenly become
a very big deal!
Dan and Hallie are clearly suspicious about what is happening and I have had to
start taking BBQ sandwiches out to them since Suzanna is restricting their
access to the actual restaurant. Frankly I am surprised she has been given so
much control, but since Straight is apparently accepting it, I am willing to go
along with it too.
Oh, and if
that weren't enough, I have twice caught Ms. Cartwright and Mr. Depp in angry
conversation, the gist of which seems to be that Mr. Depp is unhappy at being
involved but Ms. Cartwright is holding something over his head that is forcing
him to play ball.
Yikes.
- James DeVille - Sous Chef
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Yes, having Johnny Depp in our restaurant was a shock to me. When I first met
him, I could barely squeeze out a “Nice to meet you.” My first real
conversation with him went nowhere, when I asked him if he ever thought about
the fact that BOTH of his names have double consonants in them.
“I mean, it’s interesting. You know, you could have spelled your first name
‘Jonny,’ and STILL had two back to back consonants in each of your names,” I
said.
“I never thought about that, man,” was all he said. Then we went back to lunch
prep.
DeVille has taken quite a shine to Mr. Depp, showing him the differences
between various pans in the kitchen, how to sauté a steak, how to make our Sam
Adams inflected BBQ sauce. He even let him handle his spoons. I never saw
DeVille let anyone touch his spoons before.
Paco, by the way, has adopted a pet monkey named Biscuit,
who he keeps perched on his right shoulder at all times as he goes about his
chores in the kitchen. Paco frequently pauses to feed Biscuit a morsel of food.
Biscuit seems to be enjoying himself. He continually stares at us while we
work, every once in a while letting out a guttural howl. Unfortunately, I think
the whole thing is starting to freak Johnny Depp out.
- H. Dorian Straight, maitre d'
____________________
Monday, January 7, 2008
CHEZ BBQ IS CLOSED MONDAYS.
COME BACK
TOMORROW!
____________________
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
The second Tuesday of the year already. How time flies.
Camera Man and Microphone Man were at the back door of Chez BBQ as I opened up
this morning, with camera rolling and microphone microphoning. They were ready
to start filming for the reality television show “Chez BBQ.” At least that’s
the name Suzanna Cartwright has promised us she’ll use. We’ll see if it will
pan out.
“Where’s the director?” I asked, as I opened up the back door.
“Don’t say anything about the show!” replied CameraMan. “Act natural. Do what you always do.”
So, I broke my key off in the lock, swore at the doorknob, rammed my glove
encased right hand through one of the small panes of glass in the back door,
unlocked the door, and opened Chez BBQ for the day.
“How’s that?” I said to the camera, as I removed shards of glass from my
leather glove. “I do that at least twice a month.”
Once we were in the kitchen, I offered to make Camera Man and Microphone Man a
pot of coffee, which they both readily accepted.
“So, when’s the director show up?” I asked, handing them both cups of steaming
Costa Rican Fair Trade coffee, which clung to the sides of their mugs like
slime.
“Well, he’s probably sleeping off a hangover,” said MicrophoneMan. “He’s not too reliable. He’ll probably be here by noon, if we’re lucky.”
Oh, joy.
- H. Dorian Straight, maitre d'
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
**** BEWARE THE NINTH OF ALL THINGS ****
Jesus Christ.
I always like the New Year to start peacefully. That is what I always hope and
wish for. A way to ease into it without a lot of headaches and excitement. A
little reflective calm in my life. I mean, hell, I am not a complicated man. I
have a job, an apartment, and a girl who is hot as hell and knocked up with the
first of what I hope will be a long line of little DeVille brats. Simple. Nice.
Calm. That’s me.
But not F***KING well today I wasn’t!
I arrived at work this morning to discover Chef sitting outside the kitchen
door with big Gallic tears running down his face. Turns out he can’t handle
being away from his beloved kitchen and hasn’t been enjoying the mandatory
holiday Ms. Cartwright sent him on. Disney World was a little too much
excitement for him. So he came back. Only to be told by Ms. Cartwright’s security
team that due to the sanctity of the show, he would not be allowed on the
premises for another week. So I had to start the day by calming him down,
getting him drunk and then taking him to the airport and gently placing him on
a plane back to Florida, where there is a suite booked in his name at some
swanky resort
hotel.
By the time I got back to Chez BBQ the lunch rush was in full swing. Coming in
through the Dining Room, I was met by Straight’s terse warning that things were
not going well between Johnny Depp and Biscuit the monkey. The tension in the
kitchen was palpable. Johnny stood at his station, cigarette in mouth,
hypnotically tracing patterns in the air with Chef’s big carving knife. Biscuit
crouched on top of one of the fridges, half hidden by a stray box of kosher
Matzo mix. He had an evil gleam in his eye and a raw egg clutched in his paws,
which he was greedily sucking on. Paco was down in one corner of the dish room
weeping into his hat. Everyone else was nervously shuffling around trying to get their
work done.
I mean is that any way to start the New Year?
- Jim DeVille – Sous Chef
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Halfway through dinner service yesterday afternoon, Paco was in a frenzy. With
the camera rolling, I tried to settle him down and asked him what was wrong. He
kept pointing to his shoulder and then running through the kitchen hunched
over, his hands in front of his mouth, his fingers tapping on his teeth. I
panicked, thinking that perhaps ergot had once again infected our dinner rolls.
“Whatever the hell he’s doing, make sure he keeps doing it,” said the director.
“This is great television.”
Ignoring the director, I grabbed Paco and dragged him into my office. I wanted
some privacy, but Microphone Man stuck the boom mike in, jamming the door open.
After a few minutes of interrogating him, I finally determined that Paco was
upset because his monkey was nowhere to be found.
That was when a bloodcurdling scream emanated from the dining room.
At that point, a man entered our kitchen, holding what appeared to be a
dripping doll’s head, encased in our famous chili. A woman, apparently the
man’s wife, her face ashen and her mouth frozen in a scream, trailed behind
him.
“My wife,” he said slowly, pausing between words for effect, “found a MONKEY’S
HEAD in her chili!!”
Paco fainted.
Fortunately for the financial wellbeing of Chez BBQ, the couple came face to
face with a grinning Johnny Depp, and we were able to relieve the head of
Biscuit from the aggrieved customers in exchange for Johnny Depp’s signature
and a few candid snapshots with the Hollywood star.
- H. Dorian Straight, maitre d'
Friday the 11th of January, 2008
“Where’s the funny little foreign dish guy?” Ms. Cartwright demanded as I
walked in the door this morning.
I shrugged. I mean keeping track of Paco is more in Straight’s line than mine.
“I planned to shoot him exclusively today,” she said with a scowl.
“Where’s Straight?”
Again I shrugged. After all, I am no more Straight’s keeper than I am Paco’s.
“Goddammit, DeVille,” she snarled, “answer my goddamn question!”
I shrugged and said, “Paco left without a word yesterday after we fished all
those pieces of his monkey out of the chili.”
She leaned in close and was just opening her mouth to blast me when the kitchen
door popped open and Johnny Depp walked in. I have never seen such a change in
a man. There was a spring in his step and a gleam in his eyes.
“Good Morning, DeVille,” he said with a grin, “Good morning Suzanna, ready for
a fine day of filming?”
Ms. Cartwright took one look at him and stormed out, shoving Boom Man so hard
that he disappeared backwards over the end of the prep counter.
Johnny grinned. “Not often anyone manages to ruffle her feathers,” he said
gleefully. “Incidentally, sorry about the events of the past few days. Ever
since that pirate movie I filmed
monkeys just don’t take to me the way they used to.”
I shrugged once more and realized my shoulders were beginning to hurt.
Johnny reached past me and flipped the big carving knife into the air with a
flourish.
“What are we cutting up today,” he said brightly.
- James DeVille – Sous Chef
Saturday, January 12, 2008
When Suzanna Cartwright heard about Johnny Depp’s unfortunate encounter with
Paco’s pet monkey, she almost hit the tin ceiling in our dining room.
Not that she was concerned about the welfare of Biscuit or the health of any
customers who ate the chili in which pieces of Biscuit’s tiny little body were
simmered. Rather, Paco refused to return to the restaurant as long as Johnny
Depp was on the premises.
And at that, she fired Johnny Depp. On the spot. Johnny Depp removed his chef’s
shirt and toque and handed them to me, exchanged a few harsh words with Suzanna
Cartwright (something about the fact that he could have been filming the fourth movie in a series of pirate movies), and
promptly left the building.
Wow, who would have thought that Paco was more important than Johnny Depp!
I may have to bump Paco’s pay up to at least minimum wage.
- H. Dorian Straight, maitre d'